How Childhood Trauma Affects Your Adult Relationships: Insights From a Kansas City Psychotherapist

The Lingering Impact of Childhood Experiences

So many people come to therapy struggling in their adult relationships—feeling stuck, reactive, disconnected, or endlessly anxious—but without understanding why. What they often don’t realize is that the root of these struggles isn’t just in the present; it lives in the past. Specifically, it lives in early emotional experiences that shape how we love, trust, and relate.

Childhood trauma doesn’t always look like what we expect. It can be the absence of safety, not just the presence of harm. It can be subtle—emotional neglect, chronic invalidation, unmet emotional needs, or inconsistent caregiving. These early wounds create unconscious templates that deeply influence how we show up in relationships as adults.

As a psychoanalytic therapist practicing in Kansas City and licensed in both Missouri and Kansas, myself and my team of therapists help clients untangle these old relational patterns. The goal isn’t to blame the past—but to understand it, so you can begin to relate to yourself and others in new, more fulfilling ways.

What Is Childhood Trauma?

Childhood trauma isn’t limited to abuse or catastrophic events. From a psychoanalytic and relational lens, trauma is anything that overwhelms a child’s emotional system or makes them feel unseen, unsafe, or unworthy. This includes, but is not limited to:

• Emotional neglect or invalidation

• Parentification (when a child has to take on adult responsibilities)

• Inconsistent caregiving or abandonment

• Living with a parent who was emotionally unavailable, critical, or unpredictable

These experiences shape our internal world. Children don’t have the ability to reflect and say, “This isn’t about me.” Instead, they internalize the pain and confusion as something wrong with them. This internalization becomes the foundation for how we believe we deserve to be treated—and what love should feel like.

A silhouette quietly sits by the window, representing the solitude and introspection that childhood trauma often brings. The cityscape outside suggests the wider influence on one's life journey.

The Unconscious Legacy of Early Attachment Wounds

In psychoanalysis, we understand that early relationships form the blueprint for all future relationships. If love was conditional, chaotic, or absent in early life, it often becomes difficult to feel safe in closeness as an adult.

Our unconscious mind carries these attachment patterns forward. We may find ourselves:

• Attracted to emotionally unavailable partners

• Pushing people away when they get too close

• Repeating cycles of conflict and withdrawal

• Sabotaging intimacy out of fear

Why? Because the unconscious seeks what’s familiar, not necessarily what’s healthy. These early dynamics become internalized—so even if we “know better” intellectually, emotionally we’re still operating from old scripts.

Common Relationship Struggles Rooted in Childhood Trauma

1. Fear of Abandonment or Clinginess

If your caregivers were inconsistent—sometimes loving, sometimes absent—you may develop an anxious attachment style. In adulthood, this can look like a fear of being left, needing constant reassurance, or over-functioning in relationships to maintain connection.

2. Difficulty Trusting Others

When early caregivers were emotionally or physically unreliable, trust becomes dangerous. You may keep others at arm’s length, expect betrayal, or feel deeply uneasy letting someone see the real you.

3. Emotional Avoidance or Numbing

If your environment didn’t support emotional expression, you may have learned to shut down or numb out. You might intellectualize your feelings or avoid vulnerability to protect yourself from anticipated pain.

4. Repeating Toxic or Unfulfilling Relationships

Unconsciously, many people are drawn to familiar dynamics—sometimes even trying to “redo” childhood relationships in the hope of getting a different outcome. This can result in a cycle of choosing emotionally unavailable, critical, or neglectful partners.

5. Overfunctioning or People-Pleasing

If love had to be earned through achievement, compliance, or caretaking, you may find yourself suppressing your needs to take care of others. This can lead to resentment, burnout, and feeling unseen in relationships.

Why Insight Alone Isn’t Enough

Many people come to therapy with an intellectual understanding of their past—“I know my childhood was hard,” or “I understand why I do this.” But knowing isn’t the same as changing.

These relational patterns are not just cognitive—they live in the body, the nervous system, and the unconscious mind. They are felt and enacted, often outside of our awareness. That’s why insight alone often doesn’t lead to transformation.

Real healing happens when we’re able to feel what we couldn’t feel back then. To experience safety in a new kind of relationship. To name and process grief, shame, and fear—not alone, but with someone attuned and present.

How Psychoanalytic Therapy Helps Untangle the Past

Psychoanalytic psychotherapy provides a space where your inner world can come into focus. The therapeutic relationship itself becomes a kind of mirror—revealing the patterns, defenses, and longings that operate beneath the surface.

In this safe, consistent relationship, you begin to:

• Explore unconscious dynamics that show up in real time

• Make sense of confusing emotional reactions and relational triggers

• Reconnect with parts of yourself that were disowned or silenced

• Experience a new model of connection—one rooted in safety and understanding

This process, while gradual, is powerful. It’s not about blaming your past, but about transforming your relationship to it, so you can live more freely in the present.

Healing Is Slow, But Transformational

One of the most important truths in this work is that deep healing takes time. The nervous system doesn’t unlearn years of wiring overnight. But with consistent, attuned support, you begin to build new pathways—ones that make space for trust, intimacy, and self-compassion.

Over time, you may find that:

• You’re no longer drawn to the same harmful relationship dynamics

• You can tolerate closeness without panic or shutdown

• You trust your feelings and needs without shame

• You show up in relationships with more clarity and confidence

These changes aren’t instant, but they are real—and they last.

Signs You’re Ready to Begin This Work

• You notice repeating relationship patterns that leave you hurt or confused

• You’ve done surface-level work but want to go deeper

• You feel stuck, disconnected, or unsure how to trust

• You’re ready to face the pain of the past to reclaim your present

If this sounds like you, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. You’re carrying old relational wounds that are ready to be seen, understood, and healed.

Therapy in Kansas City and Beyond

At my practice in the historic West Bottoms of Kansas City, we offer psychoanalytic psychotherapy to clients throughout Missouri and Kansas. Whether you prefer in-person sessions or virtual therapy, our work is grounded in deep, relational healing. My team and I are trained to support you in working through the unconscious roots of your relationship struggles—not just treating symptoms, but transforming the foundation.

You Don’t Have to Keep Repeating the Past

You didn’t choose your early experiences, but you can choose how you relate to them now. Healing your relationship with the past creates new possibilities in the present—and in every relationship moving forward.

If you’re ready to stop surviving and start connecting more authentically—with yourself and with others—Our team would be honored to walk that path with you.

📞 Reach out today to schedule a consultation. Your healing starts here.